Helplessness, guilt, sorrow, rage, despair. Those are just some of the feelings an exacerbation bring out in me. Whether they are a result of some wonky brain wiring or dormant feelings I have squashed down that have come to the surface due to lack of control, I don't know, but they are real and hurt. Right now I am experiencing very noticable symptoms. I can't really walk proper, I have slurred jumbled speech, but the stuff going on inside my head is far more hurtful than any outward displays of this monster.
I want to shut it off. I really do, but once the thoughts creep in, it's like trying to get a stray cat that you fed once to push off. I love cats, but I don't need 'em pissin` all over my flowerbeds and these feelings are definitely pissin` all over my flowerbed.
I try hard to cultivate positivenss in my world these days. I want to look at the beauty in my days and see the magic in everyday life. I'm usually pretty good at it, but sometimes the shit creeps in. When it does I just till it under and let it feed the pretty. When those piss thoughts slip in things it gets harder because they just lay a veil of malodor over everything that lingers.
When a cat pisses in my flowerbeds sometimes it takes a few good hard rains to clear the odor. Maybe that's what tears are for.
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
2014 let's do this
Wow, 2014 huh? OK well let's get on with it then.
I don't make resolutions anymore. I find them silly and too much pressure. It's kind of gross what we do to ourselves when the "new year" comes around. We convince ourselves we haven't done anything with our lives for the previous twelve months and become determined to change everything. Yuck. Then we judge each others resolutions and make it a competition. "oh you want to lose 40lbs? well I'm gonna lose 50lbs and become a certified trainer, so there (sticks out tongue like a five year old). " Double yuck.
This year I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing for the previous year. Living. Let me clarify. I'm going to live my life and not worry so much about what everyone else is doing. For example, one of the swim moms who means well and is just trying to do the best for her kid by taking over the swim team's operational needs, would normally bother me, and by bother me I mean I would lose my shit and be all "I can't stand that bitch". The reason? Because I want to be that mom, but I just do not have the tools in my brain tool box to do it. Yesterday after an email about team pictures and other administrative issues she sent to the athletic director, and principle, then forwarded on to the rest of the parents, I found myself saying "ok well at least she thought of that and is bringing it to the school's attention, and kept the rest of us in the loop.". I used to get really frustrated with her daughter for not really supporting the team at meets because she is better friends with other girls that go to rival schools. Then I had to step back and put the relationship into perspective that not everyone clicks. Just because they are on the same team does not automatically make all the kids BFFs. Then I really had to step back and realize this is not my teammate. She is my daughter's and if it doesn't bother Ab, then why should it bother me. At this point I have stepped back into a- whole -nother county and realized I need find my own thing.
I'm learning everyone has different strengths, organization is not one of mine. I know this now. I have missed too many appointments and scrambled through too many piles of paper looking for an important bill to fool myself anymore.
Thinking outside the box and creativity are my strengths. I can look at an item and find ten different uses for it. I like that about me. I look at things differently. My Ab, being sixteen and all, will either find it hilarious or dreadful, but at least I still get a reaction from her. Many times it is the form of a post on her Tumblr account. I'm OK with that.
I don't interact well with people being such an introvert, but when I do connect with someone they will have a friend for life in me. Unless of course they screw me over and then all that goes out the window, and they are my nemesis for life. Still working on that.
I realize its only the 10th of January and all my insights may go out the window tomorrow, but then I will just have to get back on track again on the 12th.
All these new attitudes about life will help me in dealing with the M.S. Monster too, I hope. I can't do everything. No one can. I can only do my best and my best only has to be good enough for me.
Happy, belated, New Year Friends.
I don't make resolutions anymore. I find them silly and too much pressure. It's kind of gross what we do to ourselves when the "new year" comes around. We convince ourselves we haven't done anything with our lives for the previous twelve months and become determined to change everything. Yuck. Then we judge each others resolutions and make it a competition. "oh you want to lose 40lbs? well I'm gonna lose 50lbs and become a certified trainer, so there (sticks out tongue like a five year old). " Double yuck.
This year I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing for the previous year. Living. Let me clarify. I'm going to live my life and not worry so much about what everyone else is doing. For example, one of the swim moms who means well and is just trying to do the best for her kid by taking over the swim team's operational needs, would normally bother me, and by bother me I mean I would lose my shit and be all "I can't stand that bitch". The reason? Because I want to be that mom, but I just do not have the tools in my brain tool box to do it. Yesterday after an email about team pictures and other administrative issues she sent to the athletic director, and principle, then forwarded on to the rest of the parents, I found myself saying "ok well at least she thought of that and is bringing it to the school's attention, and kept the rest of us in the loop.". I used to get really frustrated with her daughter for not really supporting the team at meets because she is better friends with other girls that go to rival schools. Then I had to step back and put the relationship into perspective that not everyone clicks. Just because they are on the same team does not automatically make all the kids BFFs. Then I really had to step back and realize this is not my teammate. She is my daughter's and if it doesn't bother Ab, then why should it bother me. At this point I have stepped back into a- whole -nother county and realized I need find my own thing.
I'm learning everyone has different strengths, organization is not one of mine. I know this now. I have missed too many appointments and scrambled through too many piles of paper looking for an important bill to fool myself anymore.
Thinking outside the box and creativity are my strengths. I can look at an item and find ten different uses for it. I like that about me. I look at things differently. My Ab, being sixteen and all, will either find it hilarious or dreadful, but at least I still get a reaction from her. Many times it is the form of a post on her Tumblr account. I'm OK with that.
I don't interact well with people being such an introvert, but when I do connect with someone they will have a friend for life in me. Unless of course they screw me over and then all that goes out the window, and they are my nemesis for life. Still working on that.
I realize its only the 10th of January and all my insights may go out the window tomorrow, but then I will just have to get back on track again on the 12th.
All these new attitudes about life will help me in dealing with the M.S. Monster too, I hope. I can't do everything. No one can. I can only do my best and my best only has to be good enough for me.
Happy, belated, New Year Friends.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Feeling Minnesota...
Well here I am again, I'm going to try and not be so whiny and self pitying today, but I am still feeling pretty nostalgic and sometimes I just drown in the memories. Anyone else feel me on this?
Music tends to bring this on for me. I have loved music since I was a little girl. My mom had this stereo cabinet in our dining room. I would just lay on the floor for hours listening to the radio or albums. I would stare at the Fleetwood Mac album cover for Rumors. It just fascinated me for some reason. Queen A night at the Opera, was also a much played album in my house. Rickie Lee Jones was my all time favorite. So much so I purchased a cassette of the album in my early 20's wore that out and ordered a CD about 5 yrs ago of the same album. She just looked so cool on that cover with her hat not looking at the camera lighting her smoke. Her songs and music always transported me and I could actually see in my mind the characters she sang about. There were so many others, in the 80's I was all about metal and rock. Motley Crue's Shout at The Devil album blew my mind at 13 yrs old and I never looked back.
So you can see I have a pretty strong connection with music. Well today, I was cleaning the house IHeart Radio blasting through my speakers mostly 90's stuff. The Freshman by the Verve Pipe came on. I haven't heard that song in such a long time, but it always made me feel like I was in my twenties again. It's the perfect "hey I'm young so it's not my fault song". That's not why it speaks to me so much though. I am always reminded of all the mistakes I made back then when I hear it. I was not the best friend, girlfriend or wife back then. I always thought "hell, I'm just trying to live my life on my own terms here, and if you don't like it screw you" So anyhow that song got to me a bit then a few Red Hot Chili Peppers songs came on and I dare anyone not be be touched by the way Anthony Kiedis just spews his soul right into your heart while he sings. OK I can handle that though, a little weepy but not too bad. THEN Green Day's Time of Your Life comes on and I just fell right to the floor in the dining room and sobbed. Big fat ugly crying sobbing. Not pretty crying here. Just snotty nosed, red eyes, wipe my face with my Tshirt sobbing. Why? I recently lost an old friend that died just way too young. She was 41. We met in junior high because she was trying to cheat off my paper, "hey can you move your arm so I can see?" "What?!" Oh yeah I new this ballsy chick and I were going to be friends. We had some mutual friends and starting hanging out nonstop. We were "bad" girls, smoking, drinking, cutting school it was the time of my life! We would always listen to music and there was a radio station that we could call and dedicate songs to people with a little message. We did that all the time. She was a lot more crazy than I was when it came to boys and very sexually active even at 13 yrs old. Well she ended up pregnant by 14. God bless my mom for letting me still hang out with her. It was the best form of contraception ever for me! She eventually dropped out of school and we lost touch because I was trying to get my shit together and finish. When I met my future husband we pretty much stopped talking all together. We were 16 and she already had 2 kids.
We met up again by chance at the Grocery store several years later I was pregnant with my second daughter at the time, but it was like no time ever went by. We started talking again, going to each others` kids birthday parties, just hanging out. Then her marriage broke up and so did our friendship again. We mostly just got busy and it was hard to find the time for it. She had four kids and my two were still little. We did stay in touch via Facebook though, and so it was huge surprise when I found out she passed away. I cried a little bit. Was sad, but pushed it down and went on with my life. This was two weeks ago. Today I heard that song and cried for Tracy, for me, for our childhood, for her father, for her kids, for her SIX grandkids, for her brother , for everyone.
I wish I could write a song for her, but I'll just dedicate Time of Your Life to her instead. With the message " It was short, but I know you had the time of your life"
Music tends to bring this on for me. I have loved music since I was a little girl. My mom had this stereo cabinet in our dining room. I would just lay on the floor for hours listening to the radio or albums. I would stare at the Fleetwood Mac album cover for Rumors. It just fascinated me for some reason. Queen A night at the Opera, was also a much played album in my house. Rickie Lee Jones was my all time favorite. So much so I purchased a cassette of the album in my early 20's wore that out and ordered a CD about 5 yrs ago of the same album. She just looked so cool on that cover with her hat not looking at the camera lighting her smoke. Her songs and music always transported me and I could actually see in my mind the characters she sang about. There were so many others, in the 80's I was all about metal and rock. Motley Crue's Shout at The Devil album blew my mind at 13 yrs old and I never looked back.
So you can see I have a pretty strong connection with music. Well today, I was cleaning the house IHeart Radio blasting through my speakers mostly 90's stuff. The Freshman by the Verve Pipe came on. I haven't heard that song in such a long time, but it always made me feel like I was in my twenties again. It's the perfect "hey I'm young so it's not my fault song". That's not why it speaks to me so much though. I am always reminded of all the mistakes I made back then when I hear it. I was not the best friend, girlfriend or wife back then. I always thought "hell, I'm just trying to live my life on my own terms here, and if you don't like it screw you" So anyhow that song got to me a bit then a few Red Hot Chili Peppers songs came on and I dare anyone not be be touched by the way Anthony Kiedis just spews his soul right into your heart while he sings. OK I can handle that though, a little weepy but not too bad. THEN Green Day's Time of Your Life comes on and I just fell right to the floor in the dining room and sobbed. Big fat ugly crying sobbing. Not pretty crying here. Just snotty nosed, red eyes, wipe my face with my Tshirt sobbing. Why? I recently lost an old friend that died just way too young. She was 41. We met in junior high because she was trying to cheat off my paper, "hey can you move your arm so I can see?" "What?!" Oh yeah I new this ballsy chick and I were going to be friends. We had some mutual friends and starting hanging out nonstop. We were "bad" girls, smoking, drinking, cutting school it was the time of my life! We would always listen to music and there was a radio station that we could call and dedicate songs to people with a little message. We did that all the time. She was a lot more crazy than I was when it came to boys and very sexually active even at 13 yrs old. Well she ended up pregnant by 14. God bless my mom for letting me still hang out with her. It was the best form of contraception ever for me! She eventually dropped out of school and we lost touch because I was trying to get my shit together and finish. When I met my future husband we pretty much stopped talking all together. We were 16 and she already had 2 kids.
We met up again by chance at the Grocery store several years later I was pregnant with my second daughter at the time, but it was like no time ever went by. We started talking again, going to each others` kids birthday parties, just hanging out. Then her marriage broke up and so did our friendship again. We mostly just got busy and it was hard to find the time for it. She had four kids and my two were still little. We did stay in touch via Facebook though, and so it was huge surprise when I found out she passed away. I cried a little bit. Was sad, but pushed it down and went on with my life. This was two weeks ago. Today I heard that song and cried for Tracy, for me, for our childhood, for her father, for her kids, for her SIX grandkids, for her brother , for everyone.
I wish I could write a song for her, but I'll just dedicate Time of Your Life to her instead. With the message " It was short, but I know you had the time of your life"
Thursday, October 24, 2013
old, boring and blah
It's been a long time since my last post, I've been busy. With what? Just life in general I guess. Today I just really felt the need to spew a few things and get hopefully gain some perspective so bear with me here it's going to be long.
First off I want to be sure to put what I'm thankful for out here because sometimes it's too easy to forget all the good things. My health has been steady lately for which I am truly happy about. I am actually training for a half marathon with my Husband. We will be running it November 9, and I am really excited. I just wanted to see if I can do it. I have no big time goals, I don't have any illusions of placing anywhere near the top finishers, but I just need to prove this for me.
My girls are both healthy and happy, well as happy as any 16 and 14 year old girl can be, and for this I am truly thankful. My hubby and I are getting on well and seem to have settled into a comfortable place. All good things right? Then why do I feel so weepy and sad?
I feel old, boring, and all around blah. My girls are growing up and don't enjoy doing the stuff we used love to do together. Halloween was my biggest and best holiday always. I mean I went to town on decorations, costumes, parties the whole shebang. I had my own pumpkin patch just for this holiday. Now, nothing. No one wants to get pumpkins or carve let alone carve them. My 14 year old still wants to dress up, but her sister doesn't want to trick or treat with her.
Another thing we used to do is go to the Renaissance Fair. We have gone every year since my oldest was about 8 years old. There were a few years we even dressed up. This year I was told it's boring so we didn't go.
My husband is all about doing things as a family so when the girls balk he just says forget it with out even thinking we could have a good time just the two of us. I guess what is really bothering me is I don't know what I am going to do when the girls are gone. I think about it a lot lately. I also find myself a little, well, jealous *gasp*of my girls. .Oh settle down. I mean because they have a whole future of firsts still to come. First loves, first jobs, first time living on their own. Yes I realize it's silly because they have a whole of struggling and broken hearts ahead of them too. Just the same though, those struggling times hold the best memories for me though.
I hope they find their purpose and path in life, because I think that is what I am struggling with the most these days. Did I live up to all my potential? Did I waste my years? Did give up on myself to easily? I don't know sometimes it feels like "yes". Realistically I know I have a great life and wouldn't trade my daughters or husband for anything, but sometimes I feel like I should have been more. More what I can't tell you, just more.
First off I want to be sure to put what I'm thankful for out here because sometimes it's too easy to forget all the good things. My health has been steady lately for which I am truly happy about. I am actually training for a half marathon with my Husband. We will be running it November 9, and I am really excited. I just wanted to see if I can do it. I have no big time goals, I don't have any illusions of placing anywhere near the top finishers, but I just need to prove this for me.
My girls are both healthy and happy, well as happy as any 16 and 14 year old girl can be, and for this I am truly thankful. My hubby and I are getting on well and seem to have settled into a comfortable place. All good things right? Then why do I feel so weepy and sad?
I feel old, boring, and all around blah. My girls are growing up and don't enjoy doing the stuff we used love to do together. Halloween was my biggest and best holiday always. I mean I went to town on decorations, costumes, parties the whole shebang. I had my own pumpkin patch just for this holiday. Now, nothing. No one wants to get pumpkins or carve let alone carve them. My 14 year old still wants to dress up, but her sister doesn't want to trick or treat with her.
Another thing we used to do is go to the Renaissance Fair. We have gone every year since my oldest was about 8 years old. There were a few years we even dressed up. This year I was told it's boring so we didn't go.
My husband is all about doing things as a family so when the girls balk he just says forget it with out even thinking we could have a good time just the two of us. I guess what is really bothering me is I don't know what I am going to do when the girls are gone. I think about it a lot lately. I also find myself a little, well, jealous *gasp*of my girls. .Oh settle down. I mean because they have a whole future of firsts still to come. First loves, first jobs, first time living on their own. Yes I realize it's silly because they have a whole of struggling and broken hearts ahead of them too. Just the same though, those struggling times hold the best memories for me though.
I hope they find their purpose and path in life, because I think that is what I am struggling with the most these days. Did I live up to all my potential? Did I waste my years? Did give up on myself to easily? I don't know sometimes it feels like "yes". Realistically I know I have a great life and wouldn't trade my daughters or husband for anything, but sometimes I feel like I should have been more. More what I can't tell you, just more.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Why I run
I figured out today why I run. It's not solely for health, and it's not a really noble reason either. I run away from stuff. I run away from feelings I don't like. I run away from situations I don't want to face.
I run from self-doubt, self-loathing.
I run from feeling like I'm not enough, a loser, a failure.
I run from being needy.
I run from fear. Fear of everything. Fear of losing everything, losing everyone I love and need.
I run from loss. Loss of friends, family, my old life, my motivation.
I run from the Monster. Not the MS monster, but the monster I believe MS has created of me.
I run from the fact that someone will catchup to me and see through the mask and see the the chaos behind it.
I run from the jumble of thoughts that are constantly buzzing in my brain and can't be organized.
I run from all the things I dream of, but will never be.
I run from the tears, and the anger.
What I run to I'm not sure yet, but it has to be better than what I'm running from right?
I run from self-doubt, self-loathing.
I run from feeling like I'm not enough, a loser, a failure.
I run from being needy.
I run from fear. Fear of everything. Fear of losing everything, losing everyone I love and need.
I run from loss. Loss of friends, family, my old life, my motivation.
I run from the Monster. Not the MS monster, but the monster I believe MS has created of me.
I run from the fact that someone will catchup to me and see through the mask and see the the chaos behind it.
I run from the jumble of thoughts that are constantly buzzing in my brain and can't be organized.
I run from all the things I dream of, but will never be.
I run from the tears, and the anger.
What I run to I'm not sure yet, but it has to be better than what I'm running from right?
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I'm no Montel
I'm sitting here watching Montel Williams on the Rachel Ray show this morning. While I adore Montel and admire and respect him, I'm just not in the mood for him today. I know I can learn a lot from him and I have, but today listening to him speak about his workouts and diet changes I just feel like a total slug and failure at having M.S. Silly right? I keep making excuses up in my head,
"sure he can liquify 80% of his food, but he doesn't have two kids and a husband who like to have hot meals and expect me to make them"
" I bet he doesn't have a mountain of laundry to do that's why he can workout two hours every day"
"snowboarding in Chile must be nice I can't afford to go to Cedar Point today with my daughter"
I hate these thoughts and feelings. I really do, but sometimes they just hijack my brain and all of a sudden I'm in tears and angry at the world.
I do take care of myself. I eat well most of the time, I run when I feel well enough to, I'm even trying to work in some strength training, I take my medication, but I'm no Montel that's for sure.
I guess we all don't need to be Montels, as long as we are taking care of our bodies and minds the best we know how, and with the resources we have.
"sure he can liquify 80% of his food, but he doesn't have two kids and a husband who like to have hot meals and expect me to make them"
" I bet he doesn't have a mountain of laundry to do that's why he can workout two hours every day"
"snowboarding in Chile must be nice I can't afford to go to Cedar Point today with my daughter"
I hate these thoughts and feelings. I really do, but sometimes they just hijack my brain and all of a sudden I'm in tears and angry at the world.
I do take care of myself. I eat well most of the time, I run when I feel well enough to, I'm even trying to work in some strength training, I take my medication, but I'm no Montel that's for sure.
I guess we all don't need to be Montels, as long as we are taking care of our bodies and minds the best we know how, and with the resources we have.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
I want to write, I think
I have been thinking heavily lately about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm 42 years old, I still have many years ahead of me to do something fabulous, problem is I just don't know what to do. I know that although I wasn't prepared to quit working the way I did, it could actually be viewed as a gift. When I don't focus on the sucktastic reason I'm unemployed, I can actually feel a little thrill of hope that I do anything I want like when I was young and idealistic. Then the jaded and cynical part of me the responsible part-I really hate that part-reminds me I have to be careful, not get too stressed, don't tax my body too much, remember you're a Mom and have to have dinner ready for the family, Lil Mamie has dance class at 5:30, Ab's swim meet is at 2:00, yada, yada, freakin' yada.
How do I turn that off? I remind myself that I am allowed to be interested in things outside my kids. I have to remind myself that over and over, but It's starting to stick a little I think. My dream ever since I was a kid was to write. Sure I had other so-called dreams, I was going to be a psychiatrist. I even ran a group counseling session in sixth grade with a group of kids who walked home from school with me. That experience was really interesting and I know my friends liked it until one of the girls told me how abusive her mom was and I convinced her to go our teacher and tell her. Well she did, and I ended up not being allowed to talk to her anymore, eventually they moved out of the neighborhood. My little group broke up after that because I "didn't need to know everyone's business". I also wanted to be fashion designer, but couldn't draw to save my life, there was brief stint where somehow I was going to be on Broadway even though I never had a dance lesson in my life , and couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
Those were all little girl dreams though. Writing is what I keep gong back to. In high school my teachers were all convinced I would be a published writer. I used to write stories that would make people cry or totally freak them out, but either way it was a gut reaction and I loved it. As an adult I have had a few things published locally here and there, but mostly essays and pages of opinion.
I want more though. I want to write something that will touch souls, make people question reality, create characters that everyone loves, hates, or wants to be.
The problem is I don't know where to begin. I did find this page http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/00725127/student_view0/exercises-999/creative_writing_exercises.html. It gives some great promps to get those creative writing juices flowing again. I'm going to go the the store and pick up a brand new clean note book and give some of these a try. I like to hand write when I'm doing something like that because I can't go back and edit things out. They can just flow whether they make sense or not. Wish me luck. Maybe someday I'll have something worth reading besides all these whiney ass posts.
How do I turn that off? I remind myself that I am allowed to be interested in things outside my kids. I have to remind myself that over and over, but It's starting to stick a little I think. My dream ever since I was a kid was to write. Sure I had other so-called dreams, I was going to be a psychiatrist. I even ran a group counseling session in sixth grade with a group of kids who walked home from school with me. That experience was really interesting and I know my friends liked it until one of the girls told me how abusive her mom was and I convinced her to go our teacher and tell her. Well she did, and I ended up not being allowed to talk to her anymore, eventually they moved out of the neighborhood. My little group broke up after that because I "didn't need to know everyone's business". I also wanted to be fashion designer, but couldn't draw to save my life, there was brief stint where somehow I was going to be on Broadway even though I never had a dance lesson in my life , and couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
Those were all little girl dreams though. Writing is what I keep gong back to. In high school my teachers were all convinced I would be a published writer. I used to write stories that would make people cry or totally freak them out, but either way it was a gut reaction and I loved it. As an adult I have had a few things published locally here and there, but mostly essays and pages of opinion.
I want more though. I want to write something that will touch souls, make people question reality, create characters that everyone loves, hates, or wants to be.
The problem is I don't know where to begin. I did find this page http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/00725127/student_view0/exercises-999/creative_writing_exercises.html. It gives some great promps to get those creative writing juices flowing again. I'm going to go the the store and pick up a brand new clean note book and give some of these a try. I like to hand write when I'm doing something like that because I can't go back and edit things out. They can just flow whether they make sense or not. Wish me luck. Maybe someday I'll have something worth reading besides all these whiney ass posts.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
This mid life crisis is no fun
Ok I need to start this whole thing all over again I think. I have way to many things on my mind to just focus on the Monster. I have it. I live with it. I will die with it. That's it. You know my back story, and I can't change it.
I think I'm having some sort of mid life crisis here at the ripe old age of 42. What the hell is this about? Maybe I'm reading too many YA books lately, BTdubs, if you like that genre I am currently obssesed with the"Experiment in Terror" series by Karina Halle https://www.facebook.com/ExperimentinTerror?fref=ts. Love, love the way this chick writes.
Anyway, to get back to my little MLC issue, I think its more than just dealing with MS. We just returned home from our first family vacation in years and it was absolutely great, but I have this sense of sadness clawing at my brain that I just can't shake. On the way home I kept thinking, "everyone has something to go home to except me". My Ace has her swimming, Lil has dance, Keith has work, and I have.....weeds to pull? I just don't know what to do with myself. I have let friendships fade, I really have no interests right now, and I just can't get motivated to find new ones. I know those are all signs of depression, but I don't think that's the problem. I think I may be bored? I want something more for myself. I don't want to always be up at 6:00 a.m. and start the day doing the same dishes, laundry and dusting. I feel lost. I was fun once, a long time ago, I think. I had a sense of adventure. I still love to run, but lately it's not been enough.
My husband's best friend and his wife just had their fourth child this week, a boy finally, and I feel bad for my husband. I know he wanted at least four kids and we talked about it, but after my Lil was born I just couldn't imagine another child. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and knew that two were enough for me. He says he's fine with it and couldn't more proud of our daughters, but I still feel like I let him down. I didn't plan financially for the day when I couldn't work anymore even though I had plenty of time being diagnosed at 20yrs old. I sometimes feel like he got the raw end of the deal when he decided to stick it out with me.
Oh and to top it off I went ahead and chopped all my hair off. I was going for a cute pixie cut ala Michelle Williams
or Ginnifer Goodwin,
but ended up with frumpy old lady
I think I'm having some sort of mid life crisis here at the ripe old age of 42. What the hell is this about? Maybe I'm reading too many YA books lately, BTdubs, if you like that genre I am currently obssesed with the"Experiment in Terror" series by Karina Halle https://www.facebook.com/ExperimentinTerror?fref=ts. Love, love the way this chick writes.
Anyway, to get back to my little MLC issue, I think its more than just dealing with MS. We just returned home from our first family vacation in years and it was absolutely great, but I have this sense of sadness clawing at my brain that I just can't shake. On the way home I kept thinking, "everyone has something to go home to except me". My Ace has her swimming, Lil has dance, Keith has work, and I have.....weeds to pull? I just don't know what to do with myself. I have let friendships fade, I really have no interests right now, and I just can't get motivated to find new ones. I know those are all signs of depression, but I don't think that's the problem. I think I may be bored? I want something more for myself. I don't want to always be up at 6:00 a.m. and start the day doing the same dishes, laundry and dusting. I feel lost. I was fun once, a long time ago, I think. I had a sense of adventure. I still love to run, but lately it's not been enough.
My husband's best friend and his wife just had their fourth child this week, a boy finally, and I feel bad for my husband. I know he wanted at least four kids and we talked about it, but after my Lil was born I just couldn't imagine another child. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and knew that two were enough for me. He says he's fine with it and couldn't more proud of our daughters, but I still feel like I let him down. I didn't plan financially for the day when I couldn't work anymore even though I had plenty of time being diagnosed at 20yrs old. I sometimes feel like he got the raw end of the deal when he decided to stick it out with me.
Oh and to top it off I went ahead and chopped all my hair off. I was going for a cute pixie cut ala Michelle Williams
but ended up with frumpy old lady 
Ok now I really have to quit my whining and get off my giant ass and do something with the rest of my life. Stay tuned.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Bears on the Couch
Yeah so I dropped the ball on posting day 3 of Steroidlandia. That is the day when my mind is so fogged and my emotions are all over the board. Believe me it was probably in everyone's best interest that I didn't post. I know I tend to ramble, but the ramble potential was off the charts last week between the steroids, and the Ambien, let's just say things were a bit surreal.
My kids and husband still laugh about the bears (pillows) I was hiding from in the living room. Yes there were bears (pillows) on my couch and I will testify in court to that fact. Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night screaming about "the people", I don't know what people, but I was really angry about them watching me. Anyway, my dear hubby thought I would be much more comfortable on the couch, which really means he had to go work early and wanted to sleep without me freakin' out every five minutes.
Well he obviously didn't know about the bears (pillows) sitting on the couch so when he carried/dragged me in the living room and I threw myself on the floor he was quite shocked. I knew the only way they wouldn't eat me is if I lay on the floor under my special blanket.
Needless to say that was the last time I took Ambien.
I did indulge in some self induced guilt trips, about being a burden, but my family snapped me out of it right quick. They're great like that. They remind me this set back won't last forever and things will be back to normal soon. I'm still not one hundred yet, but I'm not sweatin' it....too much.
Hope to get back to the running trails next week. I have to keep in shape just in case the bears come back you know.
My kids and husband still laugh about the bears (pillows) I was hiding from in the living room. Yes there were bears (pillows) on my couch and I will testify in court to that fact. Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night screaming about "the people", I don't know what people, but I was really angry about them watching me. Anyway, my dear hubby thought I would be much more comfortable on the couch, which really means he had to go work early and wanted to sleep without me freakin' out every five minutes.
Well he obviously didn't know about the bears (pillows) sitting on the couch so when he carried/dragged me in the living room and I threw myself on the floor he was quite shocked. I knew the only way they wouldn't eat me is if I lay on the floor under my special blanket.
Needless to say that was the last time I took Ambien.
I did indulge in some self induced guilt trips, about being a burden, but my family snapped me out of it right quick. They're great like that. They remind me this set back won't last forever and things will be back to normal soon. I'm still not one hundred yet, but I'm not sweatin' it....too much.
Hope to get back to the running trails next week. I have to keep in shape just in case the bears come back you know.
Friday, January 4, 2013
When I die....
Last night I came across some of my old notebooks. One in particular was from several years ago when I was trying to apply for Social Security Disability. I wrote my answers to the application in my notebook first so I could edit as needed. What followed was a daily entry of how I felt. It brought tears to my eyes to see what a dark place I was in at the time. The daily writings were pure self loathing, and gut wrenching sadness.
November 2009:
"I walk around always alone. No one to talk to, no one to help, I don't want pity I just want to be happy with me, but I don't know how"
January 2010:
" when I die no one will come to my funeral. No stories will be told about how I made a difference in anyone's life. I have no friends, the people I thought were always gonna be there won't. I'm a wasted excuse for a life, waste, insignificant, hollow,nothing."
Those are just a couple entries, but there are many more just like them. Why?
Applying for SSDI is a rough process. Not just because of the fact that it's hard to get approved, but the amount of paperwork which is needed. The application is very long and involved. You need medical records, and letters from your Doctor. Employment dates and reasons for leaving. Just gathering all those items is enough to exhaust a person. Then comes the time to actually put it all together and fill out the application.
I think the process of filling out the SSDI application really drove home the fact that I was not able to work any longer. I tried so hard for so many years to be a "productive" member of society. To have it all there in writing, the jobs I lost, the independence I lost, the friends, the sense of safety, things that all slowly eroded from my life over the twenty years MS has been eating away at my brain.
I was actually approved very quickly without having to to use a lawyer on my initial application. I know it helped that my husband is in the military, and our local Congress Woman is very involved with our base. I appealed to her for help and she graciously took an interest in my case. I was lucky. Although I was thrilled to have had my benefits approved and money coming in, I still had that overwhelming sense of loss.
It has taken several years to overcome those feelings, I needed a therapist to help. I tell myself this just a new phase of life. I still get down sometimes like everyone, but I write it down and move on.
If you or anyone you know has these feelings please seek help. Talk to your doctor, his nurse, a local clergy member, a support group, anyone, but don't keep it inside.
November 2009:
"I walk around always alone. No one to talk to, no one to help, I don't want pity I just want to be happy with me, but I don't know how"
January 2010:
" when I die no one will come to my funeral. No stories will be told about how I made a difference in anyone's life. I have no friends, the people I thought were always gonna be there won't. I'm a wasted excuse for a life, waste, insignificant, hollow,nothing."
Those are just a couple entries, but there are many more just like them. Why?
Applying for SSDI is a rough process. Not just because of the fact that it's hard to get approved, but the amount of paperwork which is needed. The application is very long and involved. You need medical records, and letters from your Doctor. Employment dates and reasons for leaving. Just gathering all those items is enough to exhaust a person. Then comes the time to actually put it all together and fill out the application.
I think the process of filling out the SSDI application really drove home the fact that I was not able to work any longer. I tried so hard for so many years to be a "productive" member of society. To have it all there in writing, the jobs I lost, the independence I lost, the friends, the sense of safety, things that all slowly eroded from my life over the twenty years MS has been eating away at my brain.
I was actually approved very quickly without having to to use a lawyer on my initial application. I know it helped that my husband is in the military, and our local Congress Woman is very involved with our base. I appealed to her for help and she graciously took an interest in my case. I was lucky. Although I was thrilled to have had my benefits approved and money coming in, I still had that overwhelming sense of loss.
It has taken several years to overcome those feelings, I needed a therapist to help. I tell myself this just a new phase of life. I still get down sometimes like everyone, but I write it down and move on.
If you or anyone you know has these feelings please seek help. Talk to your doctor, his nurse, a local clergy member, a support group, anyone, but don't keep it inside.
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