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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

SSDI Regrets part 2

I want to clarify a few things from my previous post.  First things first

I'm the realist,( realist)

sorry for the Iggy Azalea line, but it always pops out when I say that.  Anyhow first off I want to say my husband is really not as jerky as I make him sound sometimes.  He just asks the hard questions that I don't like to ask myself.  He really does have my best interest in mind. Secondly,  no I am not writing this because he was angry about my last post.  He doesn't even read my blog even though I try to get him to but end up sounding like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother.

"you should read my blog it's getting better"

The truth is he's right to an extent. Before I was receiving benefits, if I had to push through days at work I did.  I was more open to new experiences.  To be fair,  those usually came as a result of my work. I attended wine tastings with sales reps, I would have to make trips, host weekly wine and beer tastings for my customers.  I was always meeting new people.  Did you know winemakers are complete lunatics and a total blast?  Well they are and I had a lot of fun learning that little gem in my old job. 

Now that I am not working and have a steady if small, income  from social security, I  am much more sheltered.  I rarely go out.  I don't really meet new people.  Due to the progression of my M.S. I don't have the energy to do those things anymore.  In reality I didn't have the energy to do those things then, but that was part of my job and my income. That is the pisser for me! I miss my old life terribley, but I can recognize now that maybe I am looking back on it with more romaticcaly than it was.

Social security has made it easier for me to rest when I need to without worrying about calling of work. I don't feel like I am putting a strain on not only my family, but also my co-workers when I have a long relapse. Towards the end of my career I was starting to feel very undependable.

 There are times when I feel undependable.  I don't make commitments to people too far in advance because I don't want to cancel.  I haven't taken up volunteering for things at school for the same reason.  You know the parent booster mafia, I mean moms, don't play that shit.
In Michael Corleone voice

 "Mrs. Smith made cookies.   So did Mrs. Sobecki. Mrs. Jurski. Mrs. Mosiniak. Mrs.James.  All made cookies.  Today I took care of all booster business so don't insult my intelligence and tell me you were too exhausted to make cookies.  This is what I'm gonna do since we're all family here I'm gonna put you in the visitors side concessions booth. 
Get there and never heard from again. Just sayin'

 I just want to stay under their radar.  I still feel bad sometimes that I am not working outside the home and bringing in a bigger wage. However,  as I pointed out to Keith, if I called off work I was not getting paid for it. When I lost a job because I wasn't "performing to the acceptable level" due to relapses I wasn't getting paid either.

It is a trade off.  Do I think it's worth it? Sometimes.  When I'm not looking through my Rose` colored glasses, and beer goggles.  Honestly I know it was the right thing to do for my health.

Monday, February 23, 2015

SSDI regrets?

While driving in the car yesterday, Keith and I were discussing why I don't do some things anymore. I really thought we were past this.  I asked him to go to the store with me, and he got really angry.  I was nervous because I wasn't feeling well.  He snapped. and this is when all this started.

Keith asked me if I think I gave in too early when I decided to take Social Security Disability four years ago. I was taken aback as he tried to explain his comment.  He asked if I thought maybe I would try harder to do things and be happier if I hadn't filed for SSDI   That I always have an excuse now not to try new things like a part time job that would make more money than I get now.  He thinks I would take more chances and "push through" the times I don't feel well.

I was stunned to say the least.  I tried really hard not to cry (I failed), but I was hurt and super PISSED.  Was he serious?  Did I need to
get the therapist transcripts?  Of course I think I gave in too early even though I had been fighting this disease for 20+ years before filing.  He was on a 12 week deployment at the time, I had no support from family, friends had their own lives and I was alone with two daughters trying to make things as normal as I could when I couldn't walk.  My Neurologist was worried because I was relapsing, but not remitting.  My MRI was showing new lesions and active old ones.  I was a mess physically and mentally.  It was time to focus on my health, not my job.

In answer to my husbands question, yes I do feel like I gave in. I loved my job. I loved all the jobs I had to leave due to this disease.  I let Multiple Sclerosis win and take that from me.  There are still many days I feel like a huge failure because I can't control this. If I could keep a job and make more money I would be thrilled. 

The fact is that is not my reality anymore.  I try to be OK with that, but when someone I trust and respect starts to question my choice I become a lot less OK with it.  I have to remind myself these past four years I have been able to attend swim meets and dance competitions with my daughters because I didn't have to choose using all my energy at work over cheering my daughters on.  I have been able to take care of my physical health by exercising when I am able as opposed to flopping the couch zombified  after a stressful day at work.  I have to ability to just take it easy when I need to and be a better wife and mom.

I will always have regrets, but this is something I have to live with.  I just hope the man I choose 27 years ago to share my life with can too.