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Thursday, October 24, 2013

old, boring and blah

It's been a long time since my last post, I've been busy.  With what? Just life in general I guess.  Today I just really felt the need to spew a few things and get hopefully gain some perspective so bear with me here it's going to be long.

First off I want to be sure to put what I'm thankful for out here  because sometimes it's too easy to forget all the good things.  My health has been steady lately for which I am truly happy about.  I am actually training for a half marathon with my Husband.  We will be running it November 9, and I am really excited.  I just wanted to see if I can do it.  I have no big time goals, I don't have any illusions of placing anywhere near the top finishers, but I just need to prove this for me.

My girls are both healthy and happy, well as happy as any 16 and 14 year old girl can be, and for this I am truly thankful.  My hubby and I are getting on well and seem to have settled into a comfortable place.  All good things right?  Then why do I feel so weepy and sad?

I feel old, boring, and all around blah. My girls are growing up and don't enjoy doing the stuff we used love to do together.  Halloween was my biggest and best holiday always.  I mean I went to town on decorations, costumes, parties the whole shebang.  I had my own pumpkin patch just for this holiday.  Now, nothing.  No one wants to get pumpkins or carve let alone carve them.  My 14 year old still wants to dress up, but her sister doesn't want to trick or treat with her.

Another thing we used to do is go to the Renaissance Fair.  We have gone every year since my oldest was about 8 years old.  There were a few years we even dressed up.  This year I was told it's boring so we didn't go.

My husband is all about doing things as a family so when the girls balk he just says forget it with out even thinking we could have a good time just the two of us.  I guess what is really bothering me is I don't know what I am going to do when the girls are gone.  I think about it a lot lately. I also find myself a little, well, jealous  *gasp*of my girls.  .Oh settle down.  I mean because they have a whole future of firsts still to come.  First loves, first jobs, first time living on their own.  Yes I realize it's silly because they have a whole of struggling and broken hearts ahead of them too. Just the same though, those struggling times hold the best memories for me though.

I hope they find their purpose and path in life, because I think that is what I am struggling with the most these days.  Did I live up to all my potential?  Did I waste my years? Did give up on myself to easily?  I don't know sometimes it feels like "yes".  Realistically I know I have a great life and wouldn't trade my daughters or husband for anything, but sometimes I feel like I should have been more.  More what I can't tell you, just more.

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