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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Why I run

I figured out today why I run.  It's not solely for health, and it's not a really noble reason either.  I run away from stuff.  I run away from feelings I don't like. I run away from situations I don't want to face. 
I run from self-doubt, self-loathing.
I run from feeling like I'm not enough, a loser, a failure.
 I run from being needy.
I run from fear.  Fear of everything.  Fear of losing everything, losing everyone I love and need.
I run from loss.  Loss of friends, family, my old life, my motivation.
I run from the Monster.  Not the MS monster, but the monster I believe MS has created of me.
I run from the fact that someone will catchup to me and see through the mask and see the the chaos behind it. 
I run from the jumble of thoughts that are constantly buzzing in my brain and can't be organized.
I run from all the things I dream of, but will never be.
I run from the tears, and the anger.

What I run to I'm not sure yet, but it has to be better than what I'm running from right?

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I'm no Montel

I'm sitting here watching Montel Williams on  the Rachel Ray show this morning.  While I adore Montel and admire and respect him, I'm just not in the mood for him today.  I  know I can learn a lot from him and I have, but today listening to him speak about his workouts and diet changes I just feel like a total slug and failure at having M.S.  Silly right? I keep making excuses up in my head,

"sure he can liquify 80% of his food, but he doesn't have two kids and a husband who like to have hot meals and expect me to make them"
 " I bet he doesn't have a mountain of laundry to do that's why he can workout two hours every day"
"snowboarding in Chile must be nice I can't afford to go to Cedar Point today with my daughter"

I hate these thoughts and feelings. I really do, but sometimes they just hijack my brain and all of a sudden I'm in tears and angry at the world. 
I do take care of myself. I eat well most of the time, I run when I feel well enough to, I'm even trying to work in some strength training,  I take my medication, but I'm no Montel that's for sure.

I guess we all don't need to be Montels, as long as we are taking care of our bodies and minds the best we know how, and with the resources we have.  

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

My run didn't suck balls

When I got out of the car at the park this morning it was muggy, sticky, and my legs were sore , my first thought was "this run is gonna suck balls".   Still, I was already there and knew I had to just start. Once I got going on my usual trail the soreness started to ease, and my breath came regular and steady, I just listened to the sounds of the park.  The deeper I got in the park the more peaceful the whole run became.  I realized the humidity was actually holding all the scents and sounds closer to me.  I was blanketed with the earthy scent of mulch, damp soil, and  the heady scent of honeysuckle coming at me in waves. The trees canopied and protected me from the stray rain shower that was moving through.   I just let everything fall away.  I let birdsong be my music. Time and pace didn't matter.  I was lost in the moment.  When my 5k run was finished I still felt tired, and had sweat pouring off me in buckets, but I also felt great.   It didn't suck balls at all!

Sometimes taking those first steps into something that you really don't want to do will lead to something beautiful in the end.  You just have to be open to the experience and let yourself see the good in the moment and the outcome.  I have never come home from a run and thought "wow I wish I hadn't done that".

This is the attitude I'm starting to adopt with my medications now too.  I really hate Rebif.  I think I have made that very clear in past posts, but I know the few seconds of discomfort will ultimately lead to a few more years of quality life for me.  After all these years of dealing with the Monster most would think that I would have figured this out by now, but I'm not the quickest when it comes to these things.  Maybe it's my aversion to change, who knows, but this is something that is working for me right now.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Check off that bucketlist

Just the act of writing things down gives me such a sense of acomplishment and makes me believe I can achieve the things I write.  Writing puts many things in perspective for me, even if it is a list of "to do" items.  I know some folks kind of despise the dreaded "to do" lists, but not me.  I have several lists I carry around in my purse, and my head. I keep my grocery list written, a calendar with a list of bills that need paid, and daily chores.  All these lists are written and keep me on track.  My bucket list is one I carry in my head, mentally checking off each item and giving myself a little mental butt slap for every one I accomplish.

One of the biggest things I have always wanted to do is learn how to ride a motorcycle.   My dad has always ridden and currently has three bikes of his own. I remember riding with him when I was very little and loved it.  I know sounds silly for a grown woman to still hold on to this, but I always imagined  riding a motorcycle of my own someday.  I know this sounds silly to many people for a grown woman to hold on a desire like this for so many years, but I can't shake it.  I know they are dangerous for healthy riders who don't have balance and cognitive issues like I do with M.S., but I'm still going to learn.

 My fabulous husband came home from the local bike shop last week, and said "let's take the motorcycle course together".  I was shocked, and quite honestly more that just a little nervous, more than anything though, I'm so stinkin' excited I can't stand it.

Just because I have to deal with Multiple Sclerosis on a daily basis doesn't mean I can't still have hopes and dreams and work towards them everyday also.  My bucket list is always changing, as I'm always adding to it so this is just the beginning for me.