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Thursday, January 23, 2014

to go back to work or not

What to do, what to do.  I am having a dilemma of the financial sort and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

It all came to a head yesterday after my husband and I had a discussion about our daughter's activities. As I have mentioned in previous post the sixteen year old is a swimmer, and the fourteen year old is a competative dancer.  Both activities are expensive.  I mean really expensive.  I try to shuffle the funds and do the whole "rob Peter to pay Paul" thing, but as it turns out Peter is pretty freaking broke right now too.  My husband is terrified that we won't have anything when he retires from the Air Force in six years and is feeling like he has let our family down by not planning better.  I feel like this is all my fault because I have M.S. and had to quit working three and half years ago, and go on SSDI. 

I know that any financial planner worth his salt would tell us to take the girls out of their activities and start putting the money in the Husband's retirement.  I just can't pull the trigger on that one.  They both love what they do.  Their activities keep them busy and social in a productive way.
I could cut down the Dancing Queen's amount of dance classes, but then she would not be allowed to compete.   Ugggghhhh!  I want to support them and help them achieve everything they want, but I just can't do it and I am completely torn up.  I sat at the dance studio last night just ready to lose it because there are so many fees and payments due, then I read a Tumblr post my SwimmerGirl put out just slamming me for not helping her get a Fastskin knee suit (that's a swimsuit that reduces drag in the water and helps the swimmer cut time) for upcoming high school districts.  I had to go to my car and just cry.  How embarrassing.  Yesterday I posted about being "enough", but right now I really feel far less than "enough".

I feel like I need to get a job.   I'm just terrified that it won't work out and then I'll lose my SSDI and have no job and nothing to fall back on. My degree is in landscaping and design, trust me I know that was not the best career area for me to pursue having M.S. and no heat tolerance, but I was young and invincible.   I really have no office skills, I always worked in retail.  My last position was in a wine and beer shop for five years. The position was actually created for me to work part time with full time buyer responsibilities.  Loved every minute of that job.  I felt so relevant. Before the wine/beer position I worked in a retail plant nursery for almost ten years.  Again I loved that job, because my schooling and plant knowledge really was an asset and it was just fun.  I did all these things and more with M.S., but now I feel so betrayed by my body and mind.   I never ran a register and because I get so confused the thought of  counting and being responsible for money is almost at phobia proportions for me.  I'm trying to get my Etsy shop going, but $25.00 to $50.00  a month does not a living make.

 I can almost hear you all saying "what? tell that sixteen year old to get a job!"  I know, trust me its been discussed.  She doesn't drive yet and that limits her options, not saying it can't be done though.  I need to think this through, but right now I'm in panic mode and my already compromised cognitive abilities are basically non-existent.  The Hubby is in shut down mode right now.  I hate that he is so upset, but I hate more that he just turns off and shuts down.  I have no one to really talk this through with.  It should be him, we are partners, or so I thought.

Wow, sorry about another bummer post today, but if I don't get it out it'll just eat my brain.  I know we will be ok, but when I see my husband worry it makes me worry because he is always the voice of reason and keeps me grounded. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014


I have the worst case of cabin fever right now.  The artic cold we are experiencing is really cutting into my me time.  My kids are finally back to school today and I can work on some sewing that needs to be finished.  Slipcovers, oi! That is another subject for another time.  Crazy time consuming, but worth it with my crazy dogs who think the furniture is here simply for their comfort.

Anyhow, as I was saying, I had some time to work on this project and I always put on music when I sew.  I sing along to all the songs like I wrote them and I know I sound pretty rough, but no one complains.Well, there was the one time the dogs started howling, but I like to think they were cheering me on.

Today my little concert time got me to thinking, would I rather be able to sing perfectly for one hour with no one else to hear me, or would I rather be famous for singing even though I would definitely need auto-tuning? A lot of auto-tuning.

I came to the conclusion I would rather be able to sing perfectly for one hour. Although there would be times I would try to chase the perfection and repeat it, I think I would also be proud of the fact that I was able to do it.   Then thought  occurred to me "whose definition of perfect would I be striving for?"  My dogs sure thought I was entertaining.  Isn't that enough? 

I think I have been almost obsessed with the idea of "perfection" for much of my life and instead of asking myself what do I think is perfect, I have spent too much time worrying about everyone else's views.  From body image to parenting.  I even worry myself about having M.S. the right way.   How crazy is that?! If I start substituting the word "enough" for perfect I would be much happier and content.

What about you all?  Are you striving for perfect when "enough" should be enough?

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Cod loins

This post today is just for fun.  I have been stuck in the house for a week not due to my M.S., but because of the duhn duhn daaaaa......POLAR VORTEX.  We have gotten snow and more snow, our roads were impassable and our county made it illegal to drive unless you are emergency personnel.  I was losing it The Shining style!  I finally got to go to the grocery store-wow, who knew I'd be so excited about going to the grocery store?- yesterday and this is what I saw. 
Just a few Observations made grocery shopping today:
First I had no idea cod had loins and I burst out laughing like a weirdo when I saw the sign. I stood there tempted to ask random strangers "do cod really have loins? Don't they need legs?"  I just settled for taking a picture instead.
Photo: Just a few Observations made grocery shopping today:
First I had no idea cod had loins and I burst out laughing like a weirdo when I saw the sign.
The baking aisle was a ghost town, but I couldn't even get close to the yogurt display. Everyone is getting started on those resolutions.
Apparently bananas are a hot commodity after people have been stuck inside for days.  I expect to see lots of posts about banana bread very soon.
The elderly will steal  markdowns products right out your cart when you're not looking. No proof on this one just a gut feeling, I know I put those mushrooms in my cart.......

The baking aisle was a ghost town, but I couldn't even get close to the yogurt display. Those New Year's resolutions are in full force.

Apparently bananas are a hot commodity after people have been stuck inside for days. I expect to see lots of posts about banana bread very soon.

The elderly will steal markdowns products right out your cart when you're not looking. No proof on this one just a gut feeling, I know I put those mushrooms in my cart.
Everyone in the store had this dazed look about them as if they couldn't believe they were really out of their houses. No friend it's not a dream, we are in Kroger and your blocking the spaghetti sauce
All in all everyone was really pleasant and as a person who likes to strike up silly conversations with random people, I felt my silliness was appreciated and many times reciprocated today. 
Cod loins, who knew? 

Friday, January 10, 2014

2014 let's do this

Wow, 2014 huh? OK well let's get on with it then.

I don't make resolutions anymore.  I find them silly and too much pressure.  It's kind of gross what we do to ourselves when the "new year" comes around.  We convince ourselves  we haven't done anything with our lives for the previous twelve months and become determined to change everything.  Yuck.  Then we judge each others resolutions and make it a competition.  "oh you want to lose 40lbs? well I'm gonna lose 50lbs and become a certified trainer, so there (sticks out tongue like a five year old). " Double yuck.

This year I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing for the previous year.  Living.  Let me clarify.  I'm going to live my life and not worry so much about what everyone else is doing.  For example, one of the swim moms who means well and is just trying to do the best for her kid by taking over the swim team's operational needs, would normally bother me, and by bother me I mean I would lose my shit and be all "I can't stand that bitch".  The reason? Because I want to be that mom, but I just do not have the tools in my brain tool box to do it.  Yesterday after an email about team pictures and other administrative issues she sent to the athletic director, and principle, then forwarded on to the rest of the parents,  I found myself saying "ok well at least she thought of that and is bringing it to the school's attention, and kept the rest of us in the loop.".  I used to get really frustrated with her daughter for not really supporting the team at meets because she is better friends with other girls that go to rival schools.  Then I had to step back and  put the relationship into perspective that not everyone clicks.  Just because they are on the same team does not automatically make all the kids BFFs. Then I really  had to step back and realize this is not my teammate.  She is my daughter's and if it doesn't bother Ab, then why should it bother me.  At this point I have stepped back into a- whole -nother county and realized I need find my own thing.

I'm learning everyone has different strengths, organization is not one of mine.  I  know this now.  I have missed too many appointments and scrambled through too many piles of paper looking for an important bill to fool myself anymore.
Thinking outside the box and creativity are my strengths.  I can look at an item and find ten different uses for it. I like that about me. I look at things differently.  My Ab, being sixteen and all, will either find it hilarious or dreadful, but at least I still get a reaction from her.  Many times it is the form of  a post on her Tumblr account. I'm OK with that.
 I don't interact well with people being such an introvert, but when I do connect with someone they will have a friend for life in me.  Unless of course they screw me over and then all that goes out the window, and they are my nemesis for life.  Still working on that. 

I realize its only the 10th of January and all my insights may go out the window tomorrow, but then I will just have to get back on track again on the 12th.

All these new attitudes about life will help me in dealing with the M.S. Monster too, I hope.  I can't do everything. No one can.  I can only do my best and my best only has to be good enough for me.

Happy, belated, New Year Friends.