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Saturday, June 29, 2013

This mid life crisis is no fun

Ok I need to start this whole thing all over again I think.  I have way to many things on my mind to just focus on the Monster.  I have it. I live with it. I will die with it.  That's it.  You know my back story, and I can't change it.

I think I'm having some sort of mid life crisis here at the ripe old age of 42.  What the hell is this about?  Maybe I'm reading too many YA books lately, BTdubs, if you like that genre I am currently obssesed with the"Experiment in Terror" series by Karina Halle https://www.facebook.com/ExperimentinTerror?fref=ts.  Love, love the way this chick writes.

Anyway, to get back to my little MLC issue, I think its more than just dealing with MS.   We just returned home from our first family vacation in years and it was absolutely great, but I have this sense of sadness clawing at my brain that I just can't shake.  On the way home I kept thinking, "everyone has something to go home to except me".  My Ace has her swimming, Lil has dance, Keith has work, and I have.....weeds to pull?   I just don't know what to do with myself.  I have let friendships fade, I really have no interests right now, and I just can't get motivated to find new ones.  I know those are all signs of depression, but I don't think that's the problem. I think I may be bored? I want something more for myself.  I don't want to always be up at 6:00 a.m. and start the day doing the same dishes, laundry and dusting. I feel lost.  I was fun once, a long time ago, I think.  I had a sense of adventure.  I still love to run, but lately it's not been enough.

My husband's best friend and his wife just had their fourth child this week, a boy finally, and I feel bad for my husband.  I know he wanted at least four kids and we talked about it, but after my Lil was born I just couldn't imagine another child.  I was exhausted, overwhelmed and knew that two were enough for me.  He says he's fine with it and couldn't more proud of our daughters, but I still feel like I let him down.  I didn't plan financially for the day when I couldn't work anymore even though I had plenty of time being diagnosed at 20yrs old.  I sometimes feel like he got the raw end of the deal when he decided to stick it out with me.


Oh and to top it off I went ahead and chopped all my hair off.  I was going for a cute pixie cut ala Michelle Williams or Ginnifer Goodwin, but ended up with frumpy old lady
Ok now I really have to quit my whining and get off my giant ass and do something with the rest of my life.  Stay tuned.

3 comments:

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    1. I almost forgot, your haircut is super cute!

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    2. Thank You Candace! I usually feel pretty good, but lately I just feel really blah. My girls are growing up and I feel like time is just slipping through my hands sometimes. I wish you all the best of luck. I hope you find what you need also. Remember you are in charge of this. Your Neuro is the most important doc in your world right now and you need to have a great relationship with him and his office staff. Luckily I have that.

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