Helplessness, guilt, sorrow, rage, despair. Those are just some of the feelings an exacerbation bring out in me. Whether they are a result of some wonky brain wiring or dormant feelings I have squashed down that have come to the surface due to lack of control, I don't know, but they are real and hurt. Right now I am experiencing very noticable symptoms. I can't really walk proper, I have slurred jumbled speech, but the stuff going on inside my head is far more hurtful than any outward displays of this monster.
I want to shut it off. I really do, but once the thoughts creep in, it's like trying to get a stray cat that you fed once to push off. I love cats, but I don't need 'em pissin` all over my flowerbeds and these feelings are definitely pissin` all over my flowerbed.
I try hard to cultivate positivenss in my world these days. I want to look at the beauty in my days and see the magic in everyday life. I'm usually pretty good at it, but sometimes the shit creeps in. When it does I just till it under and let it feed the pretty. When those piss thoughts slip in things it gets harder because they just lay a veil of malodor over everything that lingers.
When a cat pisses in my flowerbeds sometimes it takes a few good hard rains to clear the odor. Maybe that's what tears are for.
You paint an easy to understand word picture of your flowerbed. Grief, however unwelcome, visits when it pleases. We gotta get through it before we can move on. Hope your attack and it's fallout leave you in peace soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I write from my heart and when someone gets it things always feel better.
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