I haven't written a new entry in a while. Why? No motivation. When I say no motivation I mean none whatsoever for anything at all. I haven't run in weeks, I haven't done a Rebif shot in weeks, I haven't been watching my diet. I haven't done anything. I don't know if this is just normal or M.S. or major depression. I am on the edge of tears everyday, and dropping a few as I type. I hate this. I feel so awful. I don't want my kids to see me like this, but it's just so overwhelming sometimes. This feeling of not being a good enough mother, wife, woman, and person in general. I'm hyper-critical of myself and everyone around me. I see a young woman running everyday I take my daughter to swim practice and think, "I hate her" what I really mean I "I hate myself".
Sorry this is not some uplifting post like I have been trying to do, but the feelings are so intense I feel like my body is just going to collapse in on itself. Maybe my mind already has. This is the only way I have to really reach out without burdening my family and friends. I don't want to bring this stuff to their doorsteps, they have their own battles to wage in life.
Last night my daughter had a night out with her high school swim team. It was arranged by a couple mom's that I just can't seem to get in the circle with. I get so angry because I want to be that mom who the team knows, and who makes a difference. I'm not. I'm not in any of the inner circles of any of my girls activities. I used to be at my youngest daughter's old dance studio, but when we changed studios I kept myself apart from the new mothers.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I have to get a grip.
I found your blog from the Women's Running Community FB page and was reading through your posts. I don't know you but I feel so sad reading this post. I want to reach through the monitor and give you a hug. I wish I could say I completely understand but I don't have MS and don't know the daily struggle. I do know how hard it is to get into the Mom's inner circle. My kids are still young but I can't even get to the edge. I think the only thing preventing me is, well, me. Maybe I don't really want that. I want to be there to support my kids in what they do, support their friends that are also involved and it wouldn't hurt to make some friends of my own along the way. I will, and in my own way, whether it is within the inner circle or not.
ReplyDeleteLife can be so overwhelming. Family, work, spouse, etc.—all demanding time, attention, love and while this seems simple (it is) the process of balancing all of that is not. Its so easy to feel like a failure but remember that you are not! I loved reading your Lent post and hope that you are feeling better now. :)
Cara