I haven't written a new entry in a while. Why? No motivation. When I say no motivation I mean none whatsoever for anything at all. I haven't run in weeks, I haven't done a Rebif shot in weeks, I haven't been watching my diet. I haven't done anything. I don't know if this is just normal or M.S. or major depression. I am on the edge of tears everyday, and dropping a few as I type. I hate this. I feel so awful. I don't want my kids to see me like this, but it's just so overwhelming sometimes. This feeling of not being a good enough mother, wife, woman, and person in general. I'm hyper-critical of myself and everyone around me. I see a young woman running everyday I take my daughter to swim practice and think, "I hate her" what I really mean I "I hate myself".
Sorry this is not some uplifting post like I have been trying to do, but the feelings are so intense I feel like my body is just going to collapse in on itself. Maybe my mind already has. This is the only way I have to really reach out without burdening my family and friends. I don't want to bring this stuff to their doorsteps, they have their own battles to wage in life.
Last night my daughter had a night out with her high school swim team. It was arranged by a couple mom's that I just can't seem to get in the circle with. I get so angry because I want to be that mom who the team knows, and who makes a difference. I'm not. I'm not in any of the inner circles of any of my girls activities. I used to be at my youngest daughter's old dance studio, but when we changed studios I kept myself apart from the new mothers.
I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I have to get a grip.