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Thursday, January 23, 2014

to go back to work or not

What to do, what to do.  I am having a dilemma of the financial sort and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

It all came to a head yesterday after my husband and I had a discussion about our daughter's activities. As I have mentioned in previous post the sixteen year old is a swimmer, and the fourteen year old is a competative dancer.  Both activities are expensive.  I mean really expensive.  I try to shuffle the funds and do the whole "rob Peter to pay Paul" thing, but as it turns out Peter is pretty freaking broke right now too.  My husband is terrified that we won't have anything when he retires from the Air Force in six years and is feeling like he has let our family down by not planning better.  I feel like this is all my fault because I have M.S. and had to quit working three and half years ago, and go on SSDI. 

I know that any financial planner worth his salt would tell us to take the girls out of their activities and start putting the money in the Husband's retirement.  I just can't pull the trigger on that one.  They both love what they do.  Their activities keep them busy and social in a productive way.
I could cut down the Dancing Queen's amount of dance classes, but then she would not be allowed to compete.   Ugggghhhh!  I want to support them and help them achieve everything they want, but I just can't do it and I am completely torn up.  I sat at the dance studio last night just ready to lose it because there are so many fees and payments due, then I read a Tumblr post my SwimmerGirl put out just slamming me for not helping her get a Fastskin knee suit (that's a swimsuit that reduces drag in the water and helps the swimmer cut time) for upcoming high school districts.  I had to go to my car and just cry.  How embarrassing.  Yesterday I posted about being "enough", but right now I really feel far less than "enough".

I feel like I need to get a job.   I'm just terrified that it won't work out and then I'll lose my SSDI and have no job and nothing to fall back on. My degree is in landscaping and design, trust me I know that was not the best career area for me to pursue having M.S. and no heat tolerance, but I was young and invincible.   I really have no office skills, I always worked in retail.  My last position was in a wine and beer shop for five years. The position was actually created for me to work part time with full time buyer responsibilities.  Loved every minute of that job.  I felt so relevant. Before the wine/beer position I worked in a retail plant nursery for almost ten years.  Again I loved that job, because my schooling and plant knowledge really was an asset and it was just fun.  I did all these things and more with M.S., but now I feel so betrayed by my body and mind.   I never ran a register and because I get so confused the thought of  counting and being responsible for money is almost at phobia proportions for me.  I'm trying to get my Etsy shop going, but $25.00 to $50.00  a month does not a living make.

 I can almost hear you all saying "what? tell that sixteen year old to get a job!"  I know, trust me its been discussed.  She doesn't drive yet and that limits her options, not saying it can't be done though.  I need to think this through, but right now I'm in panic mode and my already compromised cognitive abilities are basically non-existent.  The Hubby is in shut down mode right now.  I hate that he is so upset, but I hate more that he just turns off and shuts down.  I have no one to really talk this through with.  It should be him, we are partners, or so I thought.

Wow, sorry about another bummer post today, but if I don't get it out it'll just eat my brain.  I know we will be ok, but when I see my husband worry it makes me worry because he is always the voice of reason and keeps me grounded. 

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