I haven't written about running lately. I've been doing it, but just not very good in my opinion. I get so frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm going backwards instead of progressing. My pace is a slow 12-12:30/mile lately. It used to be in the 10s and 11s. I work so hard for every stinking mile I do. My energy levels have plummeted to a new low lately and just keeping up with my daily life is hard, let alone trying to run.
I keep telling myself not to complain, that I'm lucky to be able to run.
Then I get pissed! Why should I feel lucky I can run? Why should I feel grateful to do something others can do without even thinking about it.
Then I feel guilty because I know that not everyone who is afflicted with Multiple Sclerosis can walk let a lone run.
Yikes! Who knew a three mile run could involve so much drama? In the end I am grateful I can still get about on my own for now. When I run my slow three miles I'm doing it for all the times I wasn't able to run.
I run for the days when I won't be able to in the future.
I run for therapy.
I run for focus.
I run to hide from M.S. even for a little while.
I run to feel strong even though I'm not.
I run for everyone who can't walk let along run.
I run because I love being in park navigating the trails. I hear the birds in the summer and feel the snowflakes on my eyelashes in the winter. It is my heaven and haven.
In the end I am grateful I can still run.
Hi Jeannine,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog on the MS website (http://www.mymsteam.com/about/guidelines). I'm not a runner, but I can totally relate! Pls add me to your friend group...I was unable to find you. My username is ConnieZacharkan. Look forward to reading more!
Take care,
Connie
Jeannine,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog I RUN. It reminded me so much of me. Of how I feel and of how I want to so much run again. I was at my best with a 4:56 mile. Now I bet that would be in the teens. I often think and daydream of all the places I have been while running and all the places that I have ended up in. You loose yourself while running, before you know it your a few suburbs away from where you originally started. That is life, to run and not care where you end up. It is a time where all your worries and pains disappear and everything is Perfect. As i sit on my porch i see plenty of young & old jogging thru the neighborhood, I smile and think back of all the miles all the races & all the people I have met while I ran. PRICELESS, if your not a runner it wouldn't make sense to you, if you are, then you know exactly what i'm saying. Who knows, maybe a cane or maybe a walker or wheelchair. I'll get to that mile again & that peace & tranquil state of mind.