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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

SSDI Regrets part 2

I want to clarify a few things from my previous post.  First things first

I'm the realist,( realist)

sorry for the Iggy Azalea line, but it always pops out when I say that.  Anyhow first off I want to say my husband is really not as jerky as I make him sound sometimes.  He just asks the hard questions that I don't like to ask myself.  He really does have my best interest in mind. Secondly,  no I am not writing this because he was angry about my last post.  He doesn't even read my blog even though I try to get him to but end up sounding like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother.

"you should read my blog it's getting better"

The truth is he's right to an extent. Before I was receiving benefits, if I had to push through days at work I did.  I was more open to new experiences.  To be fair,  those usually came as a result of my work. I attended wine tastings with sales reps, I would have to make trips, host weekly wine and beer tastings for my customers.  I was always meeting new people.  Did you know winemakers are complete lunatics and a total blast?  Well they are and I had a lot of fun learning that little gem in my old job. 

Now that I am not working and have a steady if small, income  from social security, I  am much more sheltered.  I rarely go out.  I don't really meet new people.  Due to the progression of my M.S. I don't have the energy to do those things anymore.  In reality I didn't have the energy to do those things then, but that was part of my job and my income. That is the pisser for me! I miss my old life terribley, but I can recognize now that maybe I am looking back on it with more romaticcaly than it was.

Social security has made it easier for me to rest when I need to without worrying about calling of work. I don't feel like I am putting a strain on not only my family, but also my co-workers when I have a long relapse. Towards the end of my career I was starting to feel very undependable.

 There are times when I feel undependable.  I don't make commitments to people too far in advance because I don't want to cancel.  I haven't taken up volunteering for things at school for the same reason.  You know the parent booster mafia, I mean moms, don't play that shit.
In Michael Corleone voice

 "Mrs. Smith made cookies.   So did Mrs. Sobecki. Mrs. Jurski. Mrs. Mosiniak. Mrs.James.  All made cookies.  Today I took care of all booster business so don't insult my intelligence and tell me you were too exhausted to make cookies.  This is what I'm gonna do since we're all family here I'm gonna put you in the visitors side concessions booth. 
Get there and never heard from again. Just sayin'

 I just want to stay under their radar.  I still feel bad sometimes that I am not working outside the home and bringing in a bigger wage. However,  as I pointed out to Keith, if I called off work I was not getting paid for it. When I lost a job because I wasn't "performing to the acceptable level" due to relapses I wasn't getting paid either.

It is a trade off.  Do I think it's worth it? Sometimes.  When I'm not looking through my Rose` colored glasses, and beer goggles.  Honestly I know it was the right thing to do for my health.

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