While driving in the car yesterday, Keith and I were discussing why I don't do some things anymore. I really thought we were past this. I asked him to go to the store with me, and he got really angry. I was nervous because I wasn't feeling well. He snapped. and this is when all this started.
Keith asked me if I think I gave in too early when I decided to take Social Security Disability four years ago. I was taken aback as he tried to explain his comment. He asked if I thought maybe I would try harder to do things and be happier if I hadn't filed for SSDI That I always have an excuse now not to try new things like a part time job that would make more money than I get now. He thinks I would take more chances and "push through" the times I don't feel well.
I was stunned to say the least. I tried really hard not to cry (I failed), but I was hurt and super PISSED. Was he serious? Did I need to
get the therapist transcripts? Of course I think I gave in too early even though I had been fighting this disease for 20+ years before filing. He was on a 12 week deployment at the time, I had no support from family, friends had their own lives and I was alone with two daughters trying to make things as normal as I could when I couldn't walk. My Neurologist was worried because I was relapsing, but not remitting. My MRI was showing new lesions and active old ones. I was a mess physically and mentally. It was time to focus on my health, not my job.
In answer to my husbands question, yes I do feel like I gave in. I loved my job. I loved all the jobs I had to leave due to this disease. I let Multiple Sclerosis win and take that from me. There are still many days I feel like a huge failure because I can't control this. If I could keep a job and make more money I would be thrilled.
The fact is that is not my reality anymore. I try to be OK with that, but when someone I trust and respect starts to question my choice I become a lot less OK with it. I have to remind myself these past four years I have been able to attend swim meets and dance competitions with my daughters because I didn't have to choose using all my energy at work over cheering my daughters on. I have been able to take care of my physical health by exercising when I am able as opposed to flopping the couch zombified after a stressful day at work. I have to ability to just take it easy when I need to and be a better wife and mom.
I will always have regrets, but this is something I have to live with. I just hope the man I choose 27 years ago to share my life with can too.