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Monday, February 23, 2015

SSDI regrets?

While driving in the car yesterday, Keith and I were discussing why I don't do some things anymore. I really thought we were past this.  I asked him to go to the store with me, and he got really angry.  I was nervous because I wasn't feeling well.  He snapped. and this is when all this started.

Keith asked me if I think I gave in too early when I decided to take Social Security Disability four years ago. I was taken aback as he tried to explain his comment.  He asked if I thought maybe I would try harder to do things and be happier if I hadn't filed for SSDI   That I always have an excuse now not to try new things like a part time job that would make more money than I get now.  He thinks I would take more chances and "push through" the times I don't feel well.

I was stunned to say the least.  I tried really hard not to cry (I failed), but I was hurt and super PISSED.  Was he serious?  Did I need to
get the therapist transcripts?  Of course I think I gave in too early even though I had been fighting this disease for 20+ years before filing.  He was on a 12 week deployment at the time, I had no support from family, friends had their own lives and I was alone with two daughters trying to make things as normal as I could when I couldn't walk.  My Neurologist was worried because I was relapsing, but not remitting.  My MRI was showing new lesions and active old ones.  I was a mess physically and mentally.  It was time to focus on my health, not my job.

In answer to my husbands question, yes I do feel like I gave in. I loved my job. I loved all the jobs I had to leave due to this disease.  I let Multiple Sclerosis win and take that from me.  There are still many days I feel like a huge failure because I can't control this. If I could keep a job and make more money I would be thrilled. 

The fact is that is not my reality anymore.  I try to be OK with that, but when someone I trust and respect starts to question my choice I become a lot less OK with it.  I have to remind myself these past four years I have been able to attend swim meets and dance competitions with my daughters because I didn't have to choose using all my energy at work over cheering my daughters on.  I have been able to take care of my physical health by exercising when I am able as opposed to flopping the couch zombified  after a stressful day at work.  I have to ability to just take it easy when I need to and be a better wife and mom.

I will always have regrets, but this is something I have to live with.  I just hope the man I choose 27 years ago to share my life with can too.

3 comments:

  1. Hi Jeannine,
    I made the same choice for the same reason 3 years ago. In fact, my manager, at the job at which I worked at for 27 years, told me, "Con, it's time ... time to go out on disability or you're going to end up being fired!" I was making mistakes, forgetting how to do things...it was horrible! I left there in tears.

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  2. See now this is something that I'am dealing with right now. I finally had to call it quits in the workforce. I've been working since i was 16yrs old. Law enforcement for 10yrs & a working for a Lab that made Cancer Medication. I had to call it quits because nothing was making sense to me anymore and to make a tiny mistake would cost the company Millions & possibly someones life. So I had to pull the plug and file. It has been a year already since I filed and I have received my first & second denial's already. Now its to go infront of a judge. My thing is I have always worked my whole life, never was lazy to not work. I would sometimes hold down a fulltime & part time job just to stay busy.

    But I sit and think WHAT IF. What if i stayed working, would my job be understanding of the way MS can sneak up on you and destroy your entire thought process along with your physical & mental process. That just wasn't a chance I want to take. I spoke with my wife and family before i made the decision. They all agreeded that discontinuing on working was the best thing for me. But really, was it? I've been playing the waiting game for the SSDI to be approved. I find it funny on how someone that is nowhere even close to where i live or has EVER met me in person or spoken to me has the authority to make the deciding decision on if I'm disabled.

    From the person I use to be to the person I'm now, is a complete 360 degree difference. EXTREMELY ACTIVE, military( 82nd Airborne) Law enforcement officer, rugby player, semi-pro football player, a fighter in training for MMA. To now someone who has to walk with a cane, can't walk more then a block without being completely exhausted, can't remember what I was talking about 5 minutes ago to just complete lack of understand to anything. But yet I'm not approved because of 1 person making a decision on what he reads on some papers. Still even those papers from my Neuro say. He's disabled and his MS is progressing.

    WHAT DO I DO?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET APPROVED?? WHAT ELSE DO THEY NEED?? Putting more stress on me wondering and waiting just makes the flare ups more common.

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  3. Wow! Reading y'alls experiences is just too real. I've been on disability for about 10 yrs now. I don't remember the date or even the year I was diagnosed. Unlike some people who remember the exact time Down to the minute that they were diagnosed, I'm not one of them. I've never been very good at remembering dates...can't tell you the year I met my husband, or the day I was told I was pregnant with triplets (maybe because I was in SHOCK)!!! But I know it's been about 10 years ago that I was diagnosed. My neuro talked to me about work and said it was to my benefit if I'd stop working. I ABSOLUTELY loved my job.. But the company was downsizing and they'd released my boss and brought in someone to "clean up". I was very nervous because I knew I'd been making a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that I KNEW better than to make, but because of the stress of possibly being laid off and the stress of my fatigue and stress from having to constantly look at my notes or ask my coworkers how to process something, I made a lot of errors. Some days I'd come home in tears feeling sooo freakin STUPID (a word my parents didn't like me using as a child and try not to use still because it's an ugly, hurtful word) But yeah, I felt really STUPID. I'd been doing same job for 3+ yrs and had to refer back to my notes!?! I couldn't understand it. Until I went to dr who ordered mri, who ordered 2nd Mri w contrast. 10+ yrs later and I still feel dumb at times. Esp when discussing something w my hubby and I need him to clarify something. Ughhh, I feel like a kid who needs everything explained to her! I could go on and on, but I won't right now. I was excited when I ran across this blog and hoped I could get a dialog with blogger, but I noticed she hasn't been very active lately. Truly hope she's ok. Praying for all of us affected by this terrible disease and for all debilitating diseases. Just wish I could go back to the days when i/we felt good. When there wasn't depression involved which made us stay in bed all freakin day, and when weren't in pain or experiencing brain fog and EVERYTHING ELSE associated with MS, cancer, Parkinson's,lupus......and all the other sucky diseases!!!

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