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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Apppointment or Confessional

My upcoming Neurologist appointment has been really weighing on my mind.   First off, I have to go in and confess that I have stopped taking my Rebif injections.
That  makes me nervous, just like going to confession at church. If you're Catholic you can relate and remember sitting in the confessional pouring out the great sins of your week, "I called my little brother a jerk, I though my mom was the B word when she didn't let me go Leeca's house, I yelled at Leeca and threw my roller skates at her and walked home in my socks" You laugh, but that was big time sin back in the day. 

These days I sit nervously in the exam room, and when the doctor comes in I hem and haw about how I'm actually doing then all of a sudden just blurt out "I'm sorry I haven' been taking my shots".  I don't want to be judged or looked at as "bad", but aren't I if I don't take my medication properly, or call my little brother a jerk.  The priest, I mean doctor just sits there stone faced and when you're done doles out my penance and feeds my guilt.   I always feel like I have let my neurologist down somehow by misbehaving and not taking my injections as prescribed.

 Depression, as I have written about in the past,  is something I deal with everyday.  I believe the Rebif truly was making it worse.  I feel better mentally since I have stopped the injections. Physically, I would say I feel the same, but not being able to see my lesions I really don't know. 
 That's the kicker.  I can't really see it so it's hard to believe the shots are worth the aggravation.  I can believe and have faith in a higher power, creator if you will, even though I can't see her, but my M.S. meds, not so much.  Rationally I know I have been having less flares than in the past before Rebif. Sometimes I feel like my whole existence is just one big exacerbation, and I just deal with it until I fall because my gait is so unsteady, or I can't lift my arms, and call for IV steroid treatments.  There are times when I feel like I'm only on medication to make my family happy.  Mr. HubbyMan thinks I'm being selfish if I don't take the medications because inevitably he is the one who is inconvienced when I have a major flare and has to miss work.  He wouldn't say that exactly, but that is it in a nutshell.  Others feel I am not taking care of myself properly if I don't investigate every means and medication out there, and I'm just playing fast and loose with my health.  Arrrrggggghhhh! I know I know who gives a shit what others think.  Sadly this girl does.

I want to give the new oral medications a try and will hopefully be a candidate.  I have read some side effects such as nausea and possible heart/liver conditions.  Yikes!  I just want to feel good and not have to stick myself with a needle anymore.  

So I will go this appointment and make my confessions, "forgive me Doctor, its been 3 months since my last injection".  Do my penance, "three blood tests, eye exam, EKG, an MRI-with contrast, new oral meds with possible liver and heart damage".
I will try to be a good M.S. girl and stay on my meds, but you know what they say about M.S. girls.........

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