Losing my "runner card"

I think I may be losing my "runner card" soon. I haven't run in a week and a half and just don't have the motivation to. I have  been trying to plug along for the last few years, even running a half in Nov., but I just don't have the energy anymore. It makes me really sad. My husband says I should just go out and walk, but- and this is really childish I know- I feel embarrassed that I had to stop running and don't want all my "regulars" on the trails to see me. Running always made me feel strong. Stronger than the M.S. and now I just feel defeated.

I know I should be thankful for the ability I had to run. I know that many can not even walk with out assistance or at all. I know when one door closes another opens.  I know I should be proud for trying all these years. I know all these things, but it doesn't stop me from feeling a great amount of loss.

I don't mean to sound dire, but right now I really don't know what to do with myself.

A self indulgent pity party

Things change so quickly.  That is what people say all the time. I'm starting to think things change very slowly, but we just don't notice until the last minute. Sometimes we just ignore things until we can't anymore.  That is how I have been feeling lately.
My oldest daughter will be a senio in high school and my youngest a freshman.  My life has revolved around their activities for so long it just became my reality. I liked it.  All the hours spent driving to swim meets and practices.  The many hours sitting in the dance studio, and  attending competitions. I grumbled sometimes, O.K. many times, but I wouldn't trade any of  those days for anything.

 Now we are looking at colleges for Swimmer Girl and the Dancing Queen will not be competing this coming year, as a matter of fact she will no longer be attending classes at her current studio.  Both girls will be in the school's drama club together and that is really cool to me, but also a little sad.  They don't need me as much anymore.  If I'm going to be completely honest, I'm going to miss my interactions with the dance moms at the studio.  Yes, I have complained and not always felt like I fit in with many, but I have made some connections I am going to miss.  Selfish, right?

Running has taken a turn for me too.  My foot drop issues have gotten worse and I experience a lot of pain after even a short run in my right foot.  I try to work it, but the stiffness and lack of flexibility is a problem.  My husband just ran the Glass City half marathon in April and did really well. I was very happy for him, but something I can't get out of my mind was that he ran with a co-worker and his wife, they all three stayed together and finished together.  I could have never done that.   When we ran the half marathon last November I ran by myself.  That was OK because I really didn't expect him to stay with me, but when I hear about him sticking with another woman for the whole race I get jealous, because I know I can't keep up.  Pathetic and childish I know, but that's me.

There are so many other things going on in my life that I can't go into here, but man I just need a break.  I just need to give myself a break. Instead I am literally sitting here typing with tears running down my face like some over-emotional nutball.  Maybe if I had some adult interactions once in a while instead of teen dramas I would feel better.  Who knows.

OK,  I'm done now.  Sorry for this pity party, but I think it is probably a precursor to something more.  I tend to become very emotional just before a MS relapse.  I don't know why, I just chalk it up to fatigue, but there could be a more scientific reason I'm sure.  I'll be fine I know just sometimes I need to vent.