I have spent many many many days feeling lost during this ride with MS. I am never certain I'm making the right choices about my treatments. I don't really know if I am being overly cautious when I don't do things socially because I might be a little tired and don't want to set off a exacerbation. Am I really setting the example I want to set for my daughters? Much of the time I feel like a slacker mom. I don't fit in socially with the other mothers at my girls activities. I am not able to volunteer as much at the swim meets for my oldest. They always want someone to time, but the pool area is hot and I honestly can't stand that long. Then there are the "dance moms" from my 13 year old's competition dance team. Yikes! It's just not in my makeup to be that involved with my kids' activities. I just don't know sometimes. Then there is my life as a wife. I deep down inside I still feel like my husband deserves a woman who can actually clean the house, go to the grocery, taxi the kids, is somewhat organized, and still wants to have sex once in a while. I try to put on a brave face, but inside I am scared all the time. The problem with that besides the fact that well, I'm scared all the time, is I know I'm missing out on life. I spend a lot of time thinking about all these things and just make myself crazy.
My only saving grace believe it or not is running. Yes, I have MS and run.
When I first started running a couple years ago it was very scary for me. I was self conscience about my gimpy gait, and how slow I was. It didn't help that I didn't fit the image I had in my head of a runner. I'm short, and and have what I like to refer as a "donkey butt". I always wore baggy sweats and earbuds. I kept my head down on the trail and hugged the edges. My husband was a great support to me and encouraged me a great deal. Soon , actually months later, I noticed I was getting stronger and could run a little farther. My first 5k was such a rush. I was certainly at the end of the pack, but I ran the whole thing and finished. I was hooked.
I don't hug the edges of the trail anymore, and my music is my own breathing and footsteps. I only run trails outside, the fresh air and sunlight do so much for my soul and give me strength.
There are days (weeks) that I can't get out and run because of a relapse or I'm just too fatigued. It sucks because
I feel like I'm always starting over, but I haven't found anything that
truly makes me feel strong like running. Not only physically,but
mentally too. I don't have to think about doctors, infusions, or shots.
I have to concentrate on my breath and the path ahead of me. I don't
think about my limitations and all the things I can't do anymore, I just
breath. It's freeing for that 1 hour a day. I'm never going to break
any speed records, or run the Boston Marathon, but that's ok. I feel proud of what I can do.