Disney World Adventure

First off I want to say sorry for being MIA for the last month or so.  Loads of stuff going on. My oldest if officially a senior in high school.  Yikes! The fourteen year old is now a freshman in high school.  Both of my girls in the same school. That is a whole blog in itself.  The fourteen year old had an opportunity to dance in Downtown Disney at Disney World in Florida this month.

WARNING: Proud dance mom major brag moment coming up. You may skip this and move on to the next section if you have an aversion to a loving mother who is super proud of her daughter. She was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!!!! She hit all her leaps including a tricky axle and just glowed on stage.

This pic of her is courtesy of an awesome dance mom named Jen,  without whom I would have nothing but crappy cell phone pics of all my daughter's major dance events.

Ok enough of that and on to the meat of this new post.  Actually I wanted to talk about my vacation to Disney World.  I'm sure many of you think "what kind of nut job with M.S. goes to Disney World in Florida in JUNE?". Well, I think I made that pretty clear.  Trust me I was plenty worried about the trip to Florida in June.  It was going to be hot.  I do not do well in the heat.  Add the fact that this is also a big event for my daughter, we had to make sure all her costumes were in order, and be where she had to be on time, it was stressful.  I do not do well with stress. Those two factors were enough for me to have anxiety about this trip.  In the end we had a fabulous 7 day vacation with some planning.

My daughter was also scheduled to dance in some workshops with a choreographer at Epcot Center one day and the show was the next day, so the planning for that was pretty tight.  We made sure she had everything packed in large baggies marked with each dance and day.  Done.

Because is was so hot down there we had to make sure the dancers didnt get too overheated.  I packed some instant cold packs for her, and thought they would work for me too.  They did.   I activated two packs and put them in a cinch pack that I carried on my back with bottles of frozen water.  It worked great, and bonus the sunscreen I put in the backpack was also cool whenever I had to reapply.  I drank loads of water though out the day when I was at the parks, and could even score ice in a cup if I needed it from the vendors.  Disney is so cool like that.

 The big thing we did during this trip was not to try to do everything.  There is always the temptation to try and experience every square inch of the park no matter what. That just leaves me exhausted and ripe for a relapse.  We all chose one or two things we really wanted to do and then took it from there.  We stayed at The Shades of Green Military Resort and let me tell you it was the best decision we made.  There was bus transportation to every place we needed or wanted to be.  Big stress reliever right there.  We also bought the meal plan so we had breakfast and dinner everyday.  It kept us from overextending ourselves.  We were able to go back to the room and relax.  I also made sure I could stay in the shade or air conditioning as much as possible.

I like to think of this as a @Chronicles of Riddick moment, stay close to the wall, out of the sun. "Kira get your ass in gear!" Sorry, I love that movie.

We have been home for a few days now and so far so good.  I feel a little weepy, but that could just be from the fact that is so much change going on right now.  I don't do well with change.  That will be a new post.

I guess the point of this is not to be afraid to do something fun and memorable just because it might cause a relapse.  If you plan well and do all the right things, you may still end up with an exacerbation anyhow.  But really, would you rather have a fun idea or relapse with a great memory?  I know what I chose.

Losing my "runner card"

I think I may be losing my "runner card" soon. I haven't run in a week and a half and just don't have the motivation to. I have  been trying to plug along for the last few years, even running a half in Nov., but I just don't have the energy anymore. It makes me really sad. My husband says I should just go out and walk, but- and this is really childish I know- I feel embarrassed that I had to stop running and don't want all my "regulars" on the trails to see me. Running always made me feel strong. Stronger than the M.S. and now I just feel defeated.

I know I should be thankful for the ability I had to run. I know that many can not even walk with out assistance or at all. I know when one door closes another opens.  I know I should be proud for trying all these years. I know all these things, but it doesn't stop me from feeling a great amount of loss.

I don't mean to sound dire, but right now I really don't know what to do with myself.

A self indulgent pity party

Things change so quickly.  That is what people say all the time. I'm starting to think things change very slowly, but we just don't notice until the last minute. Sometimes we just ignore things until we can't anymore.  That is how I have been feeling lately.
My oldest daughter will be a senio in high school and my youngest a freshman.  My life has revolved around their activities for so long it just became my reality. I liked it.  All the hours spent driving to swim meets and practices.  The many hours sitting in the dance studio, and  attending competitions. I grumbled sometimes, O.K. many times, but I wouldn't trade any of  those days for anything.

 Now we are looking at colleges for Swimmer Girl and the Dancing Queen will not be competing this coming year, as a matter of fact she will no longer be attending classes at her current studio.  Both girls will be in the school's drama club together and that is really cool to me, but also a little sad.  They don't need me as much anymore.  If I'm going to be completely honest, I'm going to miss my interactions with the dance moms at the studio.  Yes, I have complained and not always felt like I fit in with many, but I have made some connections I am going to miss.  Selfish, right?

Running has taken a turn for me too.  My foot drop issues have gotten worse and I experience a lot of pain after even a short run in my right foot.  I try to work it, but the stiffness and lack of flexibility is a problem.  My husband just ran the Glass City half marathon in April and did really well. I was very happy for him, but something I can't get out of my mind was that he ran with a co-worker and his wife, they all three stayed together and finished together.  I could have never done that.   When we ran the half marathon last November I ran by myself.  That was OK because I really didn't expect him to stay with me, but when I hear about him sticking with another woman for the whole race I get jealous, because I know I can't keep up.  Pathetic and childish I know, but that's me.

There are so many other things going on in my life that I can't go into here, but man I just need a break.  I just need to give myself a break. Instead I am literally sitting here typing with tears running down my face like some over-emotional nutball.  Maybe if I had some adult interactions once in a while instead of teen dramas I would feel better.  Who knows.

OK,  I'm done now.  Sorry for this pity party, but I think it is probably a precursor to something more.  I tend to become very emotional just before a MS relapse.  I don't know why, I just chalk it up to fatigue, but there could be a more scientific reason I'm sure.  I'll be fine I know just sometimes I need to vent. 

Running

Yesterday I told my husband I give up on running. I said I wasn't getting any better after all these years, I'm still fat, and I'm just too old to keep starting over after every M.S. relapse.  I said I was tired and just plain done. I claimed I found no joy in running anymore.  My tirade included the fact that I'm sick of being cold all the time and the entire state of Ohio.   I was on a roll.  I was going to pack up my running gear and chuck it all.  I even flipped over the medal I earned in November for finishing my first half marathon so I couldn't see it. Nope I wasn't going to run ever again. I know I look ridiculous when I run.  I slap my right foot down too hard and it turns in.  I'm sick of having to start all over again after a relapse keeps me off my feet for weeks at a time.  Chup listened to all of this and didn't say a word.  He just stood there and took it all in. I said this was really it this time.  He still stayed silent.  I said, "I mean it, I'm done."  No reply.   I let the matter drop and went on with the rest of my night.  We went to bed and out of nowhere he said "so you're going to the park tomorrow?" I said "no", much like a pouty five year old would.

I ran 3 miles today.

It was a hard three miles.  My legs felt heavy and of course my slappy-mcslapperson gait was very prominent.  My head was itchy and my bra felt too tight.  I felt sluggish. 

The thing is after the first mile none of that mattered.  I got into my groove and just let everything fall away.  My legs still felt heavy, but I just told myself it was because they were working so hard.  There were squirrels, bunnies and deer everywhere.  I started to feel like Snow White.  I didn't notice my slappy feet, and my bra was much more comfortable.  I finished my three miles in a respectable time, but most important is that I started the three miles.  Once I got home Chup called and said he knew I would do it and I should be proud because I'm not sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself.  He has a point.

I hope everyone who reads this has something they can feel proud of doing.  It's important when you are in a situation like ours to have at least one thing we do for ourselves that has nothing to do with our illness.