It's been a long time since I've felt like writing. I guess to clarify I always write I just haven't wanted to publish anything for a long time. What's changed? I don't really know. So much is going on in my life right now that I guess I feel like reaching out in the hopes in not just me going through these feelings and changes.
I feel a bit lost these days. I'm not sure exactly why, and maybe lost is not the right word. Restless, lonely, even irrelevant would be better descriptors.
I should back up a bit I suppose and give some background of what has been going on in my life since I last published a post. My oldest daughter is now beginning her third year as a pre-med, neuroscience major and lives about 3 hours away. My youngest daughter is starting her senior year of high school with on foot out the door already. They are both very busy young women with big plans for their futures, and I couldn't be more proud of them. I survived my husband's six month deployment overseas. Now its surviving his being home again.
Lately I've been feeling a little left behind. It feels as if everyone in my life is moving on to bigger and better things except me. I can listen to their adventures and accomplishments, but I have none of my own to share with them. Since Keith came home I'm still feeling like I'm waiting for something instead of making something happen. He's been able to get right back into the swing of life pretty seamlessly with plenty of friends to keep him happy and occupied. I wonder why does he need me? I don't have anything to offer. My anxiety has kept me from being the person I used to be and want to be. I don't have friends, I don't go anywhere, I don't have anything to add in intelligent conversation. I have become the type of woman I detest. The one who lives through her children. How the hell did this happen to me and what do I do to change it?
I suppose this is just the next phase of my life that I need to conquer. I don't know how though.