My Funeral

My Uncle passed away this week and I heard many times in the last few days that although the funeral was very nice and went smoothly it was not what he would have wanted.  He only wanted one day for a showing, and they had a two day showing.  It was very stressful for his three daughters.  At one point my cousin said they will have a memorial fish fry and have a fun time "like dad wanted" in the summer. Plans always get a little skewed when more than a few people are involved and even though my cousins are all grown women my other uncle sort of took the lead and ended up  vetoing some of the funeral plans because the way he thought to hold it was "the way it's supposed to be done".  Well, I decided to make my own plans today and told my girls this is the way I want things done.

First off I want a four day showing plus one day for the funeral.  I want a whole five days of me.


I will approve all pictures for my picture boards beforehand and if anyone puts one on that is not flattering to me I will haunt them and their descendants for all eternity.

I will give everyone scripts for when its time to stand and say a nice memory of me.  Everyone is required to speak on my behalf, if they don't they will be escorted from the premises immediately.

I want flowers.  Lots and lots of flowers. Everywhere. I even want them with me in the casket.

I want to be buried with my little pillow.  Everyone knows I can't sleep without it.

Although I am not a very good Catholic I have always found the catholic funeral mass to be very comforting and I want mine to be held at Good Shepard church where all my family has always belonged.  I do however want the mass to be punctuated by loud and random proclamations of "AMEN" and "TESTIFY".  If someone would be willing to pass out from grief that would be great.  Ooooooooo and all the women have to wear hats.  I do love a good hat.  I think I want one too.

At the gravesite I want a slow clap as my casket it lowered. 

 I may hire a mysterious man to stand at the back of the crowd and take notes.  Afterward he'll ask random questions about me and write down the answers.  Because I always tell my kids, "you don't know anything about my life between the hours of 7:30 am and 2:30pm (that's when they are at school), this should sufficiently freak them out.

Now since I don't plan on passing anytime soon, I may tweak and change some of this.  On second thought, no, don't plan on it.

Side note, here my 16 yr old swimmer girl just read this and said "No".  She will now be haunted forever.